Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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