i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
