i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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