he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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