Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Even my vagina gasped.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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