youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
