and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
