Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
