I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
