I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
