He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
