Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
