just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
