i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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