There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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