And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
