I accidentally had phone sex last night
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
