I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize