Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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