I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I want a musical about memes.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize