Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
