Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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