Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
