At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i believe in u and ur pee
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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