I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
