just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
