she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
God, I missed his penis.
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