I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
