She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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