I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Damn victory sex feels great
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
