I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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