Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
