I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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