If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
