I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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