I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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