Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
