Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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