my phone needs a breathalizer
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
