I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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