my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
