Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
