All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
