Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
