mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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