I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
