My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
