I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
