I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
