ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize