One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
