the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Watching her eat just hurts me
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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