If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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