We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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