when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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