So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
