After last night, I could never be a politician.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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