My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
