There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
