Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
