I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
